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Can I Marry a non-Chrsitian

We live in a world where divorce is a fact of most people’s lives. Whilst the government would have us believe that the divorce statistics are dropping year on year, the truth of the matter is that less and less people are being married and so do not need a divorce thus reducing the rate of divorce.

As a christian what can we do to ensure that we can avoid being one of these national divorce statistics? Well I think the bible gives us loads of advice on how to have a healthy marriage, but the steps you can take to build a health Christian marriage starts long before the wedding day. It starts, possibly, even before you start dating.

Your choice of partner is essential. Not in terms of compatibility as the secular world would have you believe, but in terms of where they are in their relationship with God. The bible, I believe, clearly tells us that we should not marry, or even date a non-Christian!

This is, as you would imagine a very big topic which I can not go into in detail here but you can read a paper I have written on this (download for free here) or if you would prefer you can LISTEN FOR FREE to a talk I did on this subject or DOWNLOAD FOR FREE and listen on your iPod.

Should Chrsitians Date Non-Christians ?

This is by far the topic that I am asked about most often. It is the most searched for question on my site. Hardly a day goes by where someone, in one way or another does not ask this question “As a Christian should I go out with (date) someone who is not a Christian“

Where shall I start. Well for those of you who want to listen to a talk I did that covers this subject then you can listen or download for free by selecting on of these links.

It is a very controversial subject and one that is hard to get in to a simple blog page. So I have prepared a small paper on the subject which you might find helpful. You can download it here

Virgin Daughters

The TV documentary last night about Virgin Daughters and their fathers was shown last night on Channel 4. To be honest I found the last half that I saw just a little strange. Not having daughters, only sons, I am not in a great position discuss the relationship between father and daughter as I have no idea how I would feel if I did. However, I believe that the same principles are true for raising our children. The bible teaches us as parents how to raise children. It does not really distinguish between the sexes. I have to assume therefore that I would apply the same principles to daughters, if I had them, as I do with my sons.

I beleive that children are best served, raised and loved in a family context, with a mother and father who have build a strong, loving and committed marriage. In that context children excel. As we teach our children what is right and wrong we must always, as a Christian, encourage them, discipline them in love and with respect. I encourage my boys to read the bible for themselves as that is where I find the principles for family life, marriage and raising kids.

I believe Christianity to be a choice that every individual makes for themselves before God. I can not force my beliefs or world view on my children, they will ultimately have to make that decision for themselves. I can of course encourage them to discover the truth for themselves and I trust, like me, they come to understand that the bible is true and that becoming a follower of Jesus is the right way. That said, I accept that there is the possibility that they will not.

Even in that eventuality the bible offers me answers. Unlike the poor girl in the documentary who was pretty much excommunicated by her mother particularly, but also her father, I believe that I would want to continue to love my child, be a part of their life regardless of the choices they make. Of course I would be disappointed, but they are still my kids and either I love them or I don’t. My love for them is not dependant on what they do, but on the fact that they are my children! No matter what, and as far as they are willing to let me, I would want to be part of their lives no matter how old they were. I must confess to not understanding the responses of the young ladies parents. It seemed to me that for “bible believing Christians” they did not understand a great deal of the bible. The whole bible is a story of a Father (God) who did all he could to restore a relationship with his children (mankind – You & Me) after they rebelled against him and did what he asked them not to. Not dissimilar to the girl on the TV Show – Sure she made some mistakes. We all do! But I believe that God is able and willing to forgive us. If he is willing to do so, then I think we should too.

With regard to the whole “purity ball” thing I was a little unsure what I thought to be honest. As a former leader in the Silver Ring Thing in the UK I have great empathy with the principles behind the idea of teaching young people about sexual purity as the bible defines it. I want to encourage young people that not having sex before marriage is not only desirable, but possible. I teach this to my sons and as a leader in a church teach these bible principles regularly. I think that our culture is pressuring young people far to much to have sex. Our schools teach them many years before it is even legal for them how to do it “safely”. They use this word “Safe” like you can become invincible to the risks of STIs, pregnancy, emotional hurt and anguish. You can’t. The governments own stats tell you that sex outside of marriage is far from safe. STIs amongst young people has been quoted as being an epidemic, at best it is out of control with most STIs rising at an alarming rate. Teenage pregnancy is a massive issue to our society and a huge drain on the financial resources of our nation. Sex is far from safe. Sure we ”might” be able to say we can be “safer” but not safe!

Sorry, getting carried away. So, I have sympathy for the thoughts behind the Purity Ball concept, but I did find the way that it was portrayed in the documentary was a little “Over the Top” in some of the more prominent cases. Again, that said, having been on the receiving end of CHANNEL 4 DOCUMENTARIES I am very aware that what was shown may be miles away from the real facts of the situation. It is a fact that programme makers look to sensationalise stories to increase ratings in order sell advertising. The more people tuned in the better the advertising revenue. We the public must always be aware of that. So, if they can sensationalise it, outrage people, press peoples buttons as it were .. they will, Its what they do. Its what pays their salaries! So I urge viewers to be very careful before jumping up in outrage. Do some research for yourself before you get too far up on your high horse. I personally have had TV makers cut what I have said and the narrator voice over the complete opposite of what they cut me saying. So careful is my caution! Remember it is not about reporting its about advertising and entertainment!

Sex Isn’t The Problem (Lust is) by Joshua Harris

This is a fantastic book which I highly recommend to any single person, young or old. In fact even as a married guy I found it useful to challenge my thoughts and things like my TV and DVD Movie choices.

The book looks at those difficult areas like pornography & sexual fantasy. It tackles questions like “Is is OK to masturbate? Is masturbation a sin?”,  and so much more. He brings a real focus to the causes of these things and grounds our response firmly in the grace and power of the Cross of Jesus.

I am now recommending this book to all the youth, teens and 20s I deal with as I think this book will set many free from the success/failure loop that many find themselves in. It ensures that at all times the reader is assured of the grace of God and their position before God being secure in what Jesus achieved on the cross and is not dependant on their performance in over coming lust, masturbation or any of the things discussed in the book. We want to overcome sin because of a superior satisfaction in Jesus. This book explains in a very practical way how. There is no “quick fix” or magic formula but as you read the book you will discover the heart of God for you and the power of the Cross to win!

Please read it !

 

Sex Isn't The Problem (Lust is) by Joshua Harris

This is a fantastic book which I highly recommend to any single person, young or old. In fact even as a married guy I found it useful to challenge my thoughts and things like my TV and DVD Movie choices.

The book looks at those difficult areas like pornography & sexual fantasy. It tackles questions like “Is is OK to masturbate? Is masturbation a sin?”,  and so much more. He brings a real focus to the causes of these things and grounds our response firmly in the grace and power of the Cross of Jesus.

I am now recommending this book to all the youth, teens and 20s I deal with as I think this book will set many free from the success/failure loop that many find themselves in. It ensures that at all times the reader is assured of the grace of God and their position before God being secure in what Jesus achieved on the cross and is not dependant on their performance in over coming lust, masturbation or any of the things discussed in the book. We want to overcome sin because of a superior satisfaction in Jesus. This book explains in a very practical way how. There is no “quick fix” or magic formula but as you read the book you will discover the heart of God for you and the power of the Cross to win!

Please read it !

 

Can I Date a Non-Christian?

Listen for FREE to a talk I gave that includes this topic

Initial Assumptions
First of all let’s look at some basic assumptions. I am assuming that the person asking the question is a Christian. That is they are a true follower of Jesus, that their desire is to live the life that Jesus called us to live, that they believe that the entire bible is the inspired word of God, authored by men, inspired by the Holy Spirit and is valuable for teaching, reproof, correction and training in righteousness.

Dating a non-Christian in contrary to the whole of scripture
Personally I believe that the bible, both old and New Testament show unequivocally that for a Christian to date a non-Christian, is contrary to scripture. That is for a Christ follower (christian) to date a non-christian (someone who is not a Christ follower) goes against the teaching of the bible. I will therefore layout why I believe this to be the case and show how scripture leads me to this conclusion

What does the bible say?
We see throughout the Old Testament the Lord commanding Israel not to “intermarry” with the nations around them. They are repeatedly told not to take wives for their sons from outside the children of Israel. Exodus 34:1-17 gives examples of this and Exodus to Chronicles and beyond is littered with similar examples.

Exodus 34:10-17 (New International Version)
Then the LORD said: “I am making a covenant with you. Before all your people I will do wonders never before done in any nation in all the world. The people you live among will see how awesome is the work that I, the LORD, will do for you. Obey what I command you today. I will drive out before you the Amorites, Canaanites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. Be careful not to make a treaty with those who live in the land where you are going, or they will be a snare among you. Break down their altars, smash their sacred stones and cut down their Asherah poles. Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. “Be careful not to make a treaty with those who live in the land; for when they prostitute themselves to their gods and sacrifice to them, they will invite you and you will eat their sacrifices. And when you choose some of their daughters as wives for your sons and those daughters prostitute themselves to their gods, they will lead your sons to do the same. “Do not make cast idols.

This was an Old Testament dating scenario and I believe the same is true today. Now one might argue that “things were different back then. They had arranged marriages” well of course this is true, but regardless of the parents selecting a spouse or, as is the case in our culture, you selecting your own spouse the principle hold up equally well. The principle being outlined here is one of joining together unequally. We read here and throughout the old testament that we should not “intermarry” that is marry a non-Christian. And, if we believe that the purpose of dating is to prepare for marriage we cannot date a non-Christian either. This does of course raise another topic for discussion, that of “Why Date? Is it to prepare for marriage or for fun and experience gathering” and I will discuss this in another document at a later date. For now I think that “ultimately” dating will lead to marriage … hopefully at some point.

2 Corinthians 6:14-18 (English Standard Version)

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord,and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me,says the Lord Almighty.” This passage talks again about not being married to unbelievers, they have nothing in common. What union is there between Christ and the devil? Take that into to the context of Sex the bible says that when we have sex that “the two become one flesh”

This being the case what are we doing uniting our body, the temple of the holy spirit

with that of an unbeliever. What union is that?

1 Corinthians 6:15-17 (New International Version)
Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

Whilst I am not in any way likening a non-Christian to a prostitute I am saying that the same principle applies. We could read this as “Do you not know that he who unites himself with [an unbeliever] is one with her in body? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with [an unbeliever]?”

This I feel is pretty conclusive, but, just in case you were thinking that this is all about marriage, and you are only talking about dating … let’s look at the process of dating. Even if everything is really platonic, and above board part of you is still involved with this other individual. Part of you is still given to them … your heart. The bible addresses this for us in Proverbs 4:23

Proverbs 4:23 (New International Version)
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

We are told as Christians that “above ALL else” we should guard our heart. That we should be careful to keep it whole and not break it. We need to only share it with those who will have the same care and honour for their own heart – Another Christian. How can we share something so precious as our heart with someone who will not have the same regard for it, or for the affairs of our heart – Namely Jesus !

I know what you are thinking, If I go out with them I will be able to introduce them to the church, to God, to Jesus, they will get saved and we will all live happily ever after! My answer is …. NOT!

1 Corinthians 15:33 (New International Version)
Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”
Deuteronomy 11:16 (English Standard Version)
Take care lest your heart be deceived, and you turn aside and serve other gods and worship them;

Why do you think it says “So not be mislead” or “take care”? Because we are easily and often mislead! Don’t think you are the stronger part here. You are not. It is easier for them to draw you away, that for you to draw them up.

This brings us full circle back to Exodus 34:16 “do not choose wives from outside of Israel for your sons as then they worship their gods they will draw your sons away and they will do the same” [My paraphrase]

People in the world have gods of worldliness, of selfishness, or greed and lust. You will be drawn away no matter how smart you think you are.

Let’s look at one final example: Solomon. He was the wisest man on the face of the earth, and I am sure that none of us would venture to say we are smarter than he was. Yet this very thing, dating and marrying none Christians was the thing that “mislead” him.

1 Kings 11:1-3
King Solomon, however, loved many foreign women besides Pharaoh’s daughter—Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians and Hittites. They were from nations about which the LORD had told the Israelites, “You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods.” Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love. He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray.”

1 Kings 4:29
“God Gave Solomon wisdom and very great insight, and a breadth of understanding as measureless as the sand on the seashore”

Solomon, even with all his wisdom was led astray by his unbelieving wives. Don’t be misled, dating a non-Christian is folly, a mistake of gigantic
proportions.Conclusion

Nehemiah 13:23-27 (English Standard Version)
In those days also I saw the Jews who had married women of Ashdod, Ammon, and Moab. And half of their children spoke the language of Ashdod, and they could not speak the language of Judah, but only the language of each people. And I confronted them and cursed them and beat some of them and pulled out their hair. And I made them take oath in the name of God, saying, “You shall not give your daughters to their sons, or take their daughters for your sons or for yourselves. Did not Solomon king of Israel sin on account of such women? Among the many nations there was no king like him, and he was beloved by his God, andGod made him king over all Israel. Nevertheless, foreign women made even him to sin. Shall we then listen to you and do all this great evil and act treacherously against our God by marrying foreign women?”

I believe that the bible is clear. Marrying and therefore dating non-Christians is not Gods best for us. Don’t do it!
If you want to download this as a document to use with your group please click here